Navigating Family Estrangements

There seems to be a trend towards family estrangements. I recently read that one in four of us experiences this phenomenon, while one in ten involves the disconnection between a parent and child.

Making a break from an unhealthy family member or loved one with a history of hurtful behaviors can be the most healing, self-loving act one can take for their mental, physical, and emotional health. When our loved ones act unconsciously, perpetuating their unresolved pain on to us without acknowledgement or a willingness to seek help and/or change their behaviors, setting and holding boundaries are vital to our well-being.

Boundaries are the rules or limits we express to others to let them know what words and behaviors we will and will not accept. Setting boundaries can be as simple as saying, “No,” or “I feel uncomfortable when ….” Sometimes it requires having a difficult conversation to express our thoughts and feelings about someone’s words and/or behaviors and the impact on us.

I view boundaries as a gate around us which can be opened when we feel safe and comfortable, and closed when we don’t. We take people and situations as they come and use discernment about when to open or close our gates. Some of us have more rigid boundaries with closed gates, generally lacking a sense of trust and safety due to past harm, and therefore may become isolated, mistrustful, and disconnected from others. Others of us have wide-open gates, lacking discernment, self-esteem, or courage to speak our truth, leaving us unsafe, disempowered, and resentful. I believe the key is balance – being fluid and flexible so that we are open to connection, while also keeping ourselves safe from harm.

When we have expressed our boundaries with our loved ones and they continue to ignore them and cause harm, then we must make the hard decisions about whether to maintain the relationship, temporarily or indefinitely. It may be helpful to seek counsel about this decision and how to most effectively communicate it. I am deeply grateful for the Nonviolent Communication process by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg which provides a clear roadmap for having difficult conversations. I share this process with clients and support them with preparing for these discussions so they can feel confident and courageous.

Yet in some cases, our loved ones have made these painful decisions without warning or discussion. It may come out of the blue, leaving us feeling shocked, hurt, and confused. We may not be given the opportunity to communicate about what led to this decision or how to resolve it. This can cause immense suffering on both sides, especially as time goes on with little to no hope of resolution. Birthdays, holidays, important life events are missed.

We may vacillate between anger, resentment, powerlessness, and grief over the loss of the relationship. Disenfranchised grief occurs when the impact of our loss is not recognized or socially supported; so we may suffer in silence, or be too humiliated to share our pain with others when we internalize and blame ourselves for the separation. This can lead to depression, anxiety, and a whole host of mental and physical challenges.

I believe that many of us lack the communication and relationship skills needed to bridge the divides, so it’s easier to simply disconnect and refuse to express our truths. Perhaps we don’t have confidence in our ability to say what we need to say, so we say nothing at all. Some of us were raised in families where we were expected to push down and ignore our feelings, pretending things were fine when they were not.

We may not have witnessed or experienced our parents or family members having difficult conversations with maturity and respect. They may have ignored the issues by drinking, drugging, numbing or distracting their feelings away, or perhaps they engaged in screaming matches, perpetrated emotional neglect, verbal and or physical abusive behaviors, leaving us conflict avoidant at all costs.

Many of us simply weren’t modeled or taught conflict resolution skills, and so we lack the ability to navigate these rocky roads when encountered. It makes sense we opt for the easy way out by shutting down and moving on; out of sight, out of mind? Maybe, maybe not. These separations take a toll on both the giver and receiver of the estrangement, a graveyard of lost connections and opportunities.

I have been on the receiving end of family estrangements and have suffered immensely by the loss of the sacred relationships in my life. I was not provided the opportunity to discuss what led up to these decisions or any opportunity to resolve their concerns. Many years of separation have now passed, and major life events have been missed. I have little hope that these relationships will be restored and remain brokenhearted, mourning for what has been lost and continues to be lost while these people are still alive.

Making a decision to end a family relationship must not be made lightly. There are consequences, both intended and unintended, that will have lasting impact on many people, not just the ones directly involved. When the decision is made with wisdom, clarity, and mutual respect for the highest good, and communicated honestly, then it is made with love. When the decision is made from a place of anger, fear, or unhealed emotional pain, it can cause great harm for all.

I am honored to support my clients experiencing any part of the spectrum so that the process can be acknowledged, honored, processed, and integrated for moving forward with acceptance and peace.

This human journey is not easy, and of course we make many mistakes along the way. Relationships can bring out the best and the worst in every one of us. Our capacity to manage stressors and our difficult emotions varies day to day, sometimes hour to hour. I love the idea, "Life is a classroom, not a courtroom." May we remember the healing power of forgiveness to set us free from the chains of our grievances and resentments that hurt us. Forgiveness does not mean we will resume the relationship, but that we choose peace and freedom for ourselves.

My favorite forgiveness practice is a Hawaiian prayer called Ho'oponopono:

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.

I'm sorry for my thoughts, words, and actions that have caused harm and/or contributed to this situation in any way (or that this situation is appearing in my consciousness). Please forgive me. I love you as a fellow human and brother/sister of Creation. Thank you for the lessons and opportunities to learn, grow, and become a better version of mySelf.

Repeat this prayer daily to anyone with whom you hold a grievance and set yourself free.

The Whack-A-Mole Game of Life – Thank you God!

Over the last few years working as a therapist and in my own personal life, I’ve started to look at Life as a game of Whack-A-Mole. We deal with one thing and the next challenge shows up in no time. It seems many, if not all of us, to some degree, are living this out. Whether it’s a relationship challenge, a flat tire, an accident, a physical ailment, employment frustration, financial stress, a pimple at the worst time, the heartbreaking loss of a loved one, plumbing issues, bad news, missing a flight, ad infinitum…it’s always something, right?

Why? What is the point of all this? Is it simply “the way it is?” Is it because “life’s a bitch and then you die?” I don’t think so. I wholeheartedly believe Life unfolds for a reason and that life happens for us, not to us.

As the Whack-A-Mole pattern has become glaringly obvious, a revelation has dawned.

I believe we, as Souls, are here on Earth in these bodies to learn valuable lessons which we wanted and chose to experience before we incarnated; lessons such as forgiveness, faith, empowerment, self-love, self-expression, courage, patience, discernment, compassion, recovering from addiction, and ultimately Self-Realization.  The challenges we face may be the curriculum specifically designed for us to overcome and learn the lessons we sought as a Soul for our growth and evolution in our journey towards becoming perfect expressions of our Creator.

In order to learn, grow, and evolve, we need to experience varying levels of challenges requiring us to choose how to respond. Perhaps it’s grace that brings everything we need to wake up, and not bad luck after all. If that is so, we could practice leaning into the challenges and using them as catalysts to practice The Work of personal development.

For example, we might struggle with immediate, habitual, patterned, unconscious, and/or unhealthy reactions to life’s challenges. We may get stuck in resistance to what is happening, react with anger, resentment, or victimhood as we project our pain onto others, blaming them for our situation, while failing to recognize and take responsibility for our part in it. We may become hopeless and despair that our situations won’t ever change, complain to anyone who will listen, create drama and conflict with those around us, and justify our emotionally immature behaviors. We self-medicate, numb, distract, and check out through our myriad ways of avoiding the uncomfortable feelings. This is a form of hell. We are stuck, stagnant, and failing to learn our lessons.

Or, when we are triggered, we could choose to turn inside and bring our attention to our thoughts, feelings, and body sensations. We can notice our reactionary thoughts which are likely judgmental – this is wrong/bad/shouldn’t be happening, blaming, labeling, comparing, and complaining. We could notice what’s happening with our breath, any constriction in our throat and chest, tension in our shoulders, clenching jaws and fists. We can name our feelings, such as anger, shock, disappointment, hurt, frustration, confusion, sadness, fear, loneliness, or heartache. We may be willing to slow down our breath and allow the energies to move through, as we stay with our present experience. We might practice withdrawing attention from the stream of mind chatter and gently return to the body and breath, again and again, letting go and surrendering to what is.

From a place of greater calm and self-connection, perhaps we are willing to consider other perspectives about the situation that are equally or more true, and less stressful. We might consider what needs or values are present, such as safety, a shared reality, understanding, ease, kindness, connection, trust, support, to be seen, heard, and known, to be loved, community, or integrity. We might put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and wonder what they may be feeling and needing too. Perhaps we journal, scream into a towel, dance and shake our booty, go for a run, cook a meal, meditate, do yoga, call a trusted loved one, therapist, or hotline to seek counsel, use essential oils, take a bath, or hit the gym. There are countless healthy coping skills and self-care practices we can utilize to shift the energy and gain greater inner peace and clarity without checking out.

In time, whenever we are ready, we might begin to get curious and gently ask ourselves, “What is the lesson for me here? What is my role in this situation? What could I do differently?” We can sit with the questions and wait for answers to be revealed. We can be kind and self-compassionate as we take responsibility for our thoughts, words, and actions, and our impact upon others. Perhaps we are moved to have a difficult conversation, to truly listen to the other and have the courage to speak our truth. I love the Four Gates of communication: Is it True? Is it Kind? Is it Helpful? Is it Necessary?  I often find that once I process within myself, there is no need to bring it to the other person. However, sometimes it is necessary and vital to express oneself.

I have come to trust that Life is a loving and intelligent energy. The Whack-A-Mole Game of Life is helping us get Home as fast as we can handle. So, welcome those challenges that keep popping up. The more difficult the challenge, the more helpful it will be when we choose love over fear.

In the words of Dr. Viktor Frankl, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Growth and freedom lead us to a state of Heaven, here and now. So, if you want to live in heaven, welcome the Whack-A-Mole challenges that come up. They are gifts from beyond.

The Guest House by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,some momentary awareness comesAs an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,who violently sweep your houseempty of its furniture,still treat each guest honorably.He may be clearing you outfor some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice,meet them at the door laughing,and invite them in.Be grateful for whoever comes,because each has been sentas a guide from beyond.

“Nietzsche was the one who did the job for me. At a certain moment in his life, the idea came to him of what he called 'the love of your fate.' Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, 'This is what I need.' It may look like a wreck but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment--not discouragement--you will find the strength is there. Any disaster you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life. What a privilege! This is when the spontaneity of your own nature will have a chance to flow.

Then, when looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures followed by wreckage were the incidents that shaped the life you have now. You’ll see that this is really true. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes.”

~Joseph Campbell, Reflections on the Art of Living.

“This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you.” – Hafiz

"Interpose no barrier to His mighty life giving power, working in you all the good pleasure of His will. Yield yourself up utterly to His sweet control. Put your growing into His hands as completely as you have put all your other affairs. Suffer Him to manage it as He will. Do not concern yourself about it, nor even think of it. Trust Him absolutely and always. Accept each moment's dispensation as it comes to you from His dear hands, as being the needed sunshine or dew for that moment's growth. Say a continual 'yes' to your Father's will.  -- H.W.S.

Andrew Duhon sings in his song, “It’s Gonna Take a Little Rain”

… It's gonna take a little rain, to let the grass beneath us grow, it's gonna take a little rain,'fore the flowers start to show. Sure we'd all want it our way, but there's some things we don't know. Just trust that on the way to beautiful, it's gonna take a little rain.

The truth is hiding in plain sight for each of us. Ask and it is given. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door shall open. You got this!

Jennie Anahata